The first rule of Film Club is: you do not talk about Film Club.
You all know the second rule of Film Club.
The third rule of Film Club is... if there's a crap genre movie (sci fi, horror, superhero) that all the critics have ripped to shreds: you will go see it in the hope that "it can't be that bad" and generally walk out saying "actually, it was worse".
When I compiled my list of Worst Movies of 2011, Louise pointed out that I hadn't seen any of them with her; I'd seen them all with Film Club. I replied that it was for her own good. Film Club watch the most awful pieces of dreck with me so that she doesn't have to.
It was with Film Club that I saw Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance. Solomon Kane. Pandorum, Surrogates and Outlander. The execrable 10,000 BC. And, of course, Green Lantern. So it came as no surprise when Film Club called me up and said "right, for your birthday, we're taking you to see John Carter - on us!" How could I resist?
In case you haven't yet heard, John Carter has already been dubbed "one of the biggest flops in cinema history". It looks set to lose Disney $80+ million. Even Mark Kermode hated it... and Mark Kermode watches even more crap films than Film Club. In short, John Carter was going to be a stinker... what better way to celebrate my 40th?
So, OK, I've set this up nicely, just like an M Knight Shyamalan script. You're all ready for the twist...
The truth is: I didn't think John Carter was all that bad. Oh, it was no classic, but I've seen far worse films over the last 40 years, and far, far worse sci fi films. As cheesy, fx-laden romps go (yes, in 3-bloody-D, obviously) John Carter was still way more enjoyable than any of the films listed above, had far more heart than any of the Star Wars prequels, and was far less bursting with patronising bullshit than Avatar. It had a charismatic leading man, some cute and non-annoying aliens (certainly no Jar Jar Binks), hammy villainy from two decent British thesps who should know better (though both Mark Strong and Dominic West have previous form in the crap genre movies category with Green Lantern and Punisher: War Zone respectively). And, you know what? If it hadn't bombed worse than Hiroshima, I'd have happily let Film Club buy me a ticket to see the sequel they struggled so hard to set up (which now looks a forlorn hope). I really don't see what all the whinging is about. If audiences will happily plunk down their money to watch three dire Transformers films (and, yes, I saw all three with Film Club) then why did everyone have such a problem with John Carter? It was better than Cowboys Vs. Aliens...
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